Talkin’ to myself and feelin’ old … Sometimes I’d like to quit …Nothing ever seems to fit

 

Rainy days and Mondays always get me done …

 

When I woke up this morning in Downey, CA, it was lightly raining in what is usually sunny, southern California.  Please do not take this to mean that I am bitter about the rain; I am not.  It was welcomed relief to a place that is now considered in a state of emergency due to current drought status. 

 

The Carpenters’ song, “Rainy Days and Mondays”, came to mind when I looked out the window.  However, the first few lines reflected my true mood. Currently, I am nursing a bruised ego and pride after saying something yesterday that caused some injury. And, while I can apologize for what it is said, it does not take away the bubble that is hanging out there.

 

Additionally, Karen Carpenter, in general, has been on my mind since I have moved here.  If you do a Google search about the Carpenters, you will inevitably learn that Karen and Richard Carpenter lived in Downey for a portion of their lives.  The public library has a display case with some of their memorabilia – including some pictures and a gold record or two. Since moving here, I have learned a few things about Karen: 1. Last year was the 30^th year anniversary of her death 2. She died on the birthday of my middle daughter, Sammie – February 4^th 3.The first place that she lived in Downey when she moved here with her parents and brother is located literally a few blocks away from where my house currently is.

 

If I do the math, I would ascertain that if it has been 30 years since Karen Carpenter’s death, it has been 30 years since I have grappled, myself, with eating disorders.  Many of you who found this post via my Facebook will remember that part of my life when I was struggling to overcome anorexia nervosa.  For those of you who have come to know me more recently, this fact is probably a bit of a surprise as I have spent most of my adult life beyond college extremely overweight. My spiral down the rabbit hole known as anorexia began around the same time that Karen made the phrase and disease newsworthy. 

 

When I graduated high school, I weighed slightly over 80 pounds. In fact, the reason I started gaining weight at that time was because the doctor who was taking care of me at the time would not release me to go off to Blackburn unless I had gained 20 pounds. And, the pounds kept adding on and on …       

 

In many ways, I feel like I have failed. The worst fear I had when I was anorexic was gaining extra weight.  However, I think the real, biggest fear was and remains the loss of control.  Anorexia, for me, was always about control … with a dash of perfection.  Perfect control. When life was out of balance or too many unknowns were facing me, I could control my weight loss.  Fueled by hours upon hours of exercise, diet pills and yes at times even laxatives or fingers down my throat, I could take control of the metrics on the scale and make the numbers go lower and lower. I felt such a sense of power. Complete control. Pure perfection.  And if I had an instance where the number on the scale fluctuated or – heaven forbid – went up, rapid self-deprecating and admonishment would occur, sending me to even more exercise and denial of nourishment.

 

For the past year, I have gradually been working towards losing excess weight and am proud to say that I am almost back to my pre-marriage weight.  However, I wish I could say that the weight loss journey was easier, 30 years later.  It isn’t.  The same strategies that I found for “perfect control” are still as seductive as they were three decades ago.  Exercise – especially early in the morning when I feel like I am “sneaking” as I did when I would go out and run the country roads near my home – gives me an endorphin rush that cannot be replicated.  Interestingly, when one is obese, the perception is that one cannot have too much exercise; however, juxtapose that with someone underweight as I was and exercise had to be carefully controlled and monitored. Perception becomes our reality. Similarly, I feel a sense of empowerment – control – when I refuse food that I desperately want or even a greater sense of power when I leave substantial food on my plate. Diet pills still make the job easier by dulling the hunger and increasing the energy. Scales still create a huge amount of anxiety for me and I am certain that my blood pressure is not normally high but it is always taken at the doctor’s office right after I am asked to step on one of those judgment monsters. Control – perfect control – and I still hunger for it. And with the importance place by society on outward beauty and model-thin bodies, there exists social acceptance to fuel the fervor behind such desires.  

 

I hope this time that balance prevails.  The weight loss seems much slower and more healthy this time around although I am not sure that is due to common sense at the helm or a slower metabolism! And, this time, I am working to lose weight and manage diabetes at the same time – an even more complicated balancing act. Not eating or exercising too much completely sends me into a diabetic tail spin.  However, the times I fail myself and even worse – when I fail others – I long for time that I felt I had ultimate control of my weight … yet in reality … that was the time I had the very least.    

I’d be safe and warm if I was in LA …

On Wednesday, I spent the a day in Bakersfield, catching up with friends, visiting the doctor, and dropping off tax information.  It was a good day with many accomplishments and even the traffic gods smiled down on me as I had few delays in either direction.

When I am driving by myself, there are two things that I listen to: 1. archived NPR podcasts  or 2. eclectic music choices that are from either my phone or the numerous radio stations that I neurotically flip through.  Last night, the sound of choice was music and appropriately, the Mamas and Papa’s classic, California Dreaming, came on the radio just as I was passing the 170/Hollywood exit.  As I looked out my window, I saw the LA skyline and I was reminded how awe-inspiring this view is at night – twinkling, tall buildings encased by ribbons of red and white car lights.  Now, truth be told, I still claim the Chicago skyline to be my favorite; however, the LA skyline is a close second.

Not long after, the Frank Zappa “Valley Girl” song came on some obscure 80’s satellite channel.  I probably have not heard this song since the Valley Girl movement made its way east of the Mississippi. At the time,  while a teen myself, we borrowed phrases such as “gag me with a spoon” or “totally”.  And then came a lyric about going to the Galleria and a little light bulb went on inside my head and I realized that the reference was most likely to the Glendale Galleria which I will concur is quite a “totally awesome” place to shop; however, when I heard the song many years ago as a teenager, I had no clue about this reference or many others mentioned in the song.  I had no clue what it meant to live not just in LA  but in California, in general.

Now, fast forward to last night, and I found myself in a surreal universe that traveling “home” actually meant that LA would be my final destination.

I reflected on things that when I was “California Dreaming” I had no idea that some day, these things would become my new normal – my “home”.

Here are just a few thoughts on what has become “normal” to me after 24 years in CA:

1. Every single day I see some kind of palm tree and never give it a second glance or thought.

2. Rain (or any act of Mother Nature) becomes such a major, exciting event  as most days it is usually just sunny and clear.  (If you happen to be reading this and are one of my friends from the midwest or east coast, please don’t hate me! :o) )

3.  California is very multicultural  – multiethnic – and I am accustomed to seeing such diversity. In addition, it is common to constantly hear languages other than English being spoken, and fortunately for me, when that happens and it is in Spanish, I still understand what was said.

4. Everyone drives – long distances and long hours – and most of the time it is just what we do (although yes, we – ok I – still complain about it!).

5. Mountains are always viewed on the horizon but not always visible, and when not  visible it is usually due to smog.  And whether one can see the mountains or cannot, the phenomenon does not seem strange, or out of the ordinary.

6. The fresh produce – both fruits and vegetables – is amazing.  Only in CA have I found grapes that are the size of plums and guacamole that is made with fresh avocado, cilantro, and onions is to die for!

While yes, all this goodness does come with a price – high cost of living, lots of traffic, etc., I still now consider CA home and would not want to be in any other place!

Let’s start at the very beginning ….

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood … I remember being drawn to Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken, for the first time  when I was planning my high school salutatorian speech in May 1986. My goal was to include these sentiments in my speech to inspire my fellow classmates and to advise our friends and families that our future was without limits. My advice at the time? Blaze a trail! Leave your mark on this world! Nothing is going to stop us now! (Of course I needed to throw In a cheesy 80s lyric reference.) However, when analyzing this particular poem during an English class in college, I learned that Mr. Frost was throwing in a bit of irony and was using this particular poem to thumb his nose at critics and assert in ink that he would not publicly call out the errors of his ways or regrets of life choices.  So, as I begin this blog I have the same poem in mind although my sentiments at this juncture in my life are more aligned to Mr. Frost’s true intentions.

I am currently traveling on a journey down a new, uncharted path. In December 2013, I left Bakersfield, CA – a place I had called home for nearly 24 years – to move to Downey, CA – an incorporated area southeast of downtown Los Angeles. I accepted a position with LA County Office of Education as a consultant to RSDSS (Regional System of District and School Support). (In education, we love our acronyms!). With all three of my kids in college (yes, your read that right – all three!), I am a very proud Mama Bird with an increasingly empty nest.  I do find myself not only on the untraveled path of a new job and location but also this new path of an empty nest and with that a transition from parenting teenagers to young, inpendent adults.  The road I am currently on is not only unfamiar and untraveled but also is enveloped in a think, soupy fog that makes trust in the choice of path often difficult.  While slightly less known to those who know me both personally and professionally,  I have made this move/transition with my good friend, Thomas, so there are parts of this journey down this path where I am not entirely alone.

Stay tuned as I tell of his journey and experience as I continue to travel down yet another road not taken …