A few nights ago, I pulled this old, wool blanket out from under my bed where it was stored (or rather stuffed out of sight). My dad had named it “Old Red”. It was the blanket that was always used by whomever was sick at the time and was often hauled out of my parent’s closet on those occasions. I remember it being a monstrosity of a blanket that would wrap around me and I would immediately feel better. At one time Old Red had nice, red satin trim that I used to like to rub against my face but alas … the red satin trim has been long lost and forgotten.
Now, no, I am not sick and I am not sure why I still even possess this raggedy treasure from the past. Most likely it was to bring about some extra comfort. I have been feeling lost lately, trying to find purpose again. Facing an invisible crossroads in front of me and almost afraid to take any step in fear that it will be the wrong one! I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I sometimes feel like a stranger is staring back at me. Perhaps this self doubt could all be chalked up to my job search situation … or a midlife crisis (LOL) I am not certain!
However, being enveloped in Old Red’s scratchy yet comforting embrace made me reflect on past times of my life. In the wee hours of the morning, with just a few city sounds outside and the low whirr of my fan, I thought about moments that I’d like to go back to – even for just a short visit. To make this more palatable for the reader (if there is more than just myself – LOL), I decided to make this into a top ten list – similar to the countdown that David Letterman was known for.
Here are Carol’s top 10 back in time travel destinations:
10. The Blizzard of 1978 – Do you remember midwestern friends? I remember looking out the window in amazement. Drifts of snow that came to roof level of our barn and farm buildings called my name be explored. The silence that blanketed our house from the insulation of the snow is still memorable. At time, I had the mumps, however my mom knew she couldn’t keep me contained so after a couple of days, I was bundled up in a snow suit along with a hat, scarf, and mittens,and I bounded up and down one snow drift after the other. Yes, I miss snow!
9. My final student teaching practice in Ambleside, Cumbria, England. If there were a set time that I would say everything was “perfect” it would have been the 6 months I spent in England for my final student teaching. It began with a dream and was nourished and later flourished after my college professor, Dr. Gem Reid, had picked up a flyer at an international student conference of a small teaching college that was located in the Lake District. Growing up, my uncle who had been stationed in the UK during World War II, and he filled my head with descriptions that were only fueled by all the books I read. I loved every moment – every place I visited. I got to experience spring in the Lake District – the same place described by Wordsworth. The very green hills dotted with yellow daffodils … beautiful white swans that swam in the lakes and rivers … every rugged castle that begged to be explored. (Why, again, did I not stay????!!!!)
8. Las Vegas Trip from December 2013 – When I decided to move from Bakersfield to Los Angeles with Thomas, I had a lot of doubt and nervousness. I don’t do well with change – especially the impending part. I had secured a job with Los Angeles County Office of Ed and we were to move, officially, on December 11th. The Vegas trip was completely spontaneous and irresponsible given that I wasn’t even packed yet to move … Thomas and I decided that afternoon, we booked a room for a couple of nights and journeyed eastward. I had never experienced the old Vegas and upon our arrival, we stopped at Fremont Street. I loved the neon of the old … the stale smell of smoke … the past captured in the present. I was quite lucky that trip as well and won $900. It was amazing! And, so was the company. We laughed and played and laughed some more. I miss those days. The stress of my current reality has taken its toll.
7. Feeding a Giraffe – Little known fact: You can feed the giraffes at the Santa Barbara Zoo. I have always loved giraffes. I am not sure when this obsession began but it has been lifelong obsession. I love seeing what could be an awkward creature move so methodical and graceful. How beautiful their faces are with long, curly eyelashes. So, one trip that I made with Sammie and Laura, I went and paid the small amount for the lettuce, essentially, and climbed up to the platform and got my opportunity to feed my lifelong, favorite animal.
6. My graduations – I have worn a cap and gown at least four times in my life. From 8th grade (which was a big deal in the small town I was from) to high school, I first experienced the excitement and joy of completing and academic task and donning a cap and gown. Even more enjoyable was completing my undergraduate and graduate degrees. When I conferred my Masters’ degree, I was fortunate enough to have my friend and mentor, Chris Doyle, “hood” me and my children were able to watch from the risers.
5. My wedding to Phil – You may assume that because I am divorced, this event would not make it to my top 100 list, let alone my top 10; however, I feel it is correctly placed at number 5. We didn’t start out bad or broken. We began good and whole – as two united as one. We had a beautiful church service and we were both filled with such love and hope. I wish things had stayed that way but alas they did not. Still, it was a beautiful day that I reflect upon often.
4. First trip to Disneyland with the kids – Yes, I am a bit of a Disney fanatic! I did not visit Disney World, myself, until I was 16 when I visited my aunt and uncle in Florida. I remember being mystified at all the attractions that I had only heard of. I visited in the summer which meant, of course, in Florida that it rained a couple of times and was hot and humid, but that didn’t matter! When I first took the kids, the excitement was almost doubled. I remember Laura’s little hand in mine and she was almost shaking with excitement and joy. It almost brought tears to my eyes several times as I remember feeling the same when first visiting such a magical, happy place!
3. A visit with my Grandma – I spent a lot of one on one time with my Grandma. I was her youngest grandchild. I remember looking up at her as she cooked, often perched in a chair along side her. I remember her crocheting in the evenings or reading the paper and I would lay my head on her lap and she would stop what she was doing to stroke my hair, moving it from my face to behind my ear. Every time I do that, myself – inadvertently move my hair to behind my ear – I think of her. She and I spoke Slovak together – as if it were our own secret language. I am sad I did not get more time to spend with her.
2. The birth of my children – I was fortunate enough to have three normal pregnancies and deliveries and while yes, a fair amount of pain and discomfort were involved, I would not trade those moments for anything in the world! I remember the great joy of holding each of them for the first time, counting fingers and toes and tracing noses and faces with my index finger. Holding little miracles for the first time still takes my breath away.
1. A day with my Uncle Ernie – You may have thought that the birth of my kids would have been Number 1. A close second but I really have to say that my Uncle Ernie has been on my mind so much as of late. He was my dad’s oldest brother and yes, my favorite. He and his wife, Doris, could not have kids so the nieces and nephews enjoyed extra attention. I loved talking to him. He always tried to understand where I was coming from when I shared my most private thoughts and dreams with him. One of my favorite memories was when he would take me down to State Street in Chicago at Christmas time to see all the store displays. It was so magical! Animated characters coming to life, bright, flashing lights, sounds and smells of the holidays… and walking with him and my (then) small hand in his. He passed away when I was a junior in college. There is so much I’d like to tell him … to ask him. I still remember what it feels like to receive a hug from him, with his arms wrapped tight around me – so close I could smell the faint fresh soap and slight scent of aftershave. I miss him so much!
So, there you have it! Carol’s top ten back in time travel desires. Unfortunately there is no sign of Doc or Marty or even a DeLorean so these are going to have to stay as cherished memories. Still, I do have Old Red (although he got tossed into the washer and dryer as he was a bit dusty after his stay under my bed) to wrap me up tonight and help me remember times that had a bit more joy and bit more happiness!
Two freeways diverged ... 