Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This – Part II

Part II – The calm before the storm …

I made use of my time and resources in July with a trip to visit two of my three kids.  First, stopping in Bakersfield to see my youngest and only son, Dane, and then traveling north to see Sammie in Davis where she was still living after college graduation, working as a veterinarian tech.  Time with them and returning to my core helped to repair a few of the cracks in my confidence, although the deeper, wider ones were hard to ignore as each day with the “ding” of email notifications there were always one or two job rejection emails.  Returning home, I continued to “enjoy” my forced vacation, still working each day to search for jobs and apply.  I had several friends cheering me on from the sidelines … “Oh, did you see XYZ job posted?” … “Hey, have you thought about applying for XYZ?” … “XYZ district is a great place to work; I know John/Jane, let me follow up with him/her and see what’s happening with the current job opening.”  As advice and suggestions were given, I gingerly listened and followed each little morsel that was placed on my plate. I widened not only the geography of my job search but also the scope of work … the type of job.

And then the end of July was approaching.  Money was running low and the cracks in my confidence were spread almost everywhere – like cobwebs displayed on old furniture in an abandoned, forgotten home.  My oldest daughter, Laura, who now lives in Seattle, lent a hand after I melted down to her via a virtual conversation.  She was able to help with a gift card for food which felt like a huge weight off my shoulders; in addition, she started helping me with revising and improving my cover letters that were sadly throwbacks to the early 2000’s  and a time when job searching was much easier for myself.  Her writing and editing skills were amazing and I truly believe that some of the jobs that I got called to for interviews were doors that were opened by the cover letters she finessed.

Summer, in L.A. was hot and humid.  The calendar page turned from July 31st to August 1st and still no job.  I knew the start of a new school year was just around the corner.  I worked more feverishly … searched more diligently.  Spent greater time preparing for each interview, doing my research and homework.  And yet, no job.  What I did have were more phone calls from bill collectors.  I was behind on most payments – my car, my utilities, my loans … my focus was on two things – pooling together whatever resources we could come up with to make rent and keep the gas and electricity on. Andres began to throw in most of his salary towards helping me make rent.  And, I became pretty proficient at humbling myself and asking for help. Laura, again, stepped in and helped with a phone bill; another friend lent me money for utilities.  I became quite expert at “robbing Peter to pay Paul”.  I researched all types of assistance options … help with utilities … food banks and assistance.  In the meantime, I learned that while on unemployment, there are several caveats that include interviews, required trainings, job fairs, and etc.  Each time … each opportunity … my pride was swallowed and my humility grew.  I have always heard the phrase, “Pride goeth before the fall.” and I wasn’t going to fall.  So, I tried and tried.  I spent a morning at Catholic Charities – only to find out that I made too much money on unemployment so I could not qualify for utility assistance; however, they sent me home with four bags of groceries and I felt like I had won the lottery!  Money that I might have scrimped and saved to pay for food could now go towards someplace else.

Along the way, I had continued support  of friends who would call or text to check in on my.  After August came September and October and the only thing that really changed was that my confidence felt like it was almost completed shattered into little pieces as all I had were more rejection letters, more phone calls from creditors and etc. and less hope for things coming to a proverbial good ending. There was no longer a Paul to rob from to pay Peter; scrambling to make just rent was almost becoming a full time job.  Even when Andres and I threw together all that we had for rent, there was still a need to pay for phone – my only connection to calls and contacts for jobs – and electricity.  While my parents and grandparents, of course, lived a life without something they could have deemed as a “luxury”, I couldn’t envision it in 21st century Los Angeles, given that the stove and refrigerator were two of the things that were sustaining me and I had no recourse around these things.   All sorts of anxiety reared its ugly heads … Where would I live? … I couldn’t afford living here … so … and with threats of my car being taken, I couldn’t even imagine driving somewhere to escape or live.

In the midst of this chaos, my health insurance lapsed as of the end of July.  As someone who has Type II diabetes, I had been dependent on medication to keep my sugar levels balanced in addition to keeping my blood pressure at a reasonable rate.  In addition, in late October, my physician from Bakersfield called to tell me that one of my tests that I had in completed in July came back with negative results – a sign of cancer – and I needed to be looked at immediately (after a huge lapse in time needed to communicate this information that was supposedly due to her lack of being made aware of the results).  I became numb.  I wasn’t even going to think of asking the question, “What else could happen?”, because I did not want to even hazard a guess on the answer.  I was on a carousel that kept circling and circling, speeding up with each rotation, and there was no sign that anyone was going to be able to stop it and allow me to get off.

My oldest daughter, Laura, came to visit me and it was a welcomed treat.  She bought me dinner – so nice to have restaurant food again.  We went and visited a museum and it was nice to just walk around and take something in aesthetically again and not let the worry and doubt overcome all my senses.  On the day she arrived in L.A., I had an interview with a school district about an hour from my home for the position of categorical director.  Mind you … my confidence was still pretty broken and in pieces but I felt pretty good about the connections I made with the interview panel as well as how I portrayed my skill set and how I was a match for their advertised position.  During Laura’s visit, this district actually called me to schedule a second interview with the superintendent and others.  Immediately after, Laura critiqued my responses, saying I didn’t sound enthused enough. However, I did attend this interview and in my mind was trying to be the most enthused person on the planet, given Laura’s take of my phone performance.  And, a few days later I got a call that they’d like a picture of myself to use during a board meeting as they presented my candidacy.  I had never been asked this before and this photo now created anxiety that was finally resolved with the emailing of the perfect picture.

Laura returned to Seattle and after the school board meeting, I received the call I had been waiting for.  I had been asleep and my phone was on silent -to avoid creditors – and I saw that I had a missed phone call from the Rialto Unified School District.  I immediately called back.  While going through a myriad of choices to get the person who had actually called me, I saw that the human resources assistant who had been my contact had sent me an email.  “Good morning!  Please give me a call.  I have good news!”

Good news … I had been waiting months for good news.  And, for whatever reason, this day in November was the day it had arrived.  I was in denial … disbelief … almost numb … However, in spite of all of this I felt a huge sense of relief.  A regular school administrator’s salary would be my welcomed, monthly friend once again.  The journey was over.  No matter that I’d still have to go until over a month and a half until having said salary again; the light at the end of the tunnel was finally visible.  Unfortunately, the third day on the job I was in my first, major car accident and of course, the timing was horrible, once again, it was not the worst thing that happened in 2017. However no one was seriously hurt and cars can be replaced or repaired. I saw defeat around every corner in early 2017.  My eyes had adjusted to the darkness; it was almost impossible to see any light in any situation.  So, the accident was a final hiccup in an experience – now seen as a finite amount of time – that would soon be in the past.

I still feel fragile.  While the cracks and webs in my confidence are starting to repair, it will take some time.  Of all life’s experiences, these moments of job loss, unemployment, and desperation are not moments I readily want to relive any time soon.  It could have been worse … yes, yes I know … but what seemed “worse” for me during this time period was often unbearable from my perspective.

How did I get through such an ordeal?  I often ask myself … Here are a few things that helped:

1. I didn’t stop reaching out to people no matter how hard it was.  I do have great friends … some friends I have known for a short time … others for a lifetime. Whether I just needed to vent … to share with someone that I had received yet another rejection letter or  some friends were even able to help financially or with other resources such as food; I will be forever in their debt.
2. I took time to heal myself.  I have a lot of old wounds and scars; we all do.  It’s called life.  However, some of my wounds and scars have been buried quite deeply.  I had a long time friend that I rediscovered a few months ago – Carmen Vesztergom.  Currently, she lives in the UK but had visited LA a few months ago.  It was great to reconnect. She is a very proficient in reiki healing and she visited with me via Skype a few times.  And, I really feel like I turned a corner and healed in some key areas – especially in regards to my past eating habits and disorders.
3. A very special teacher, Connie Jameson, – one who I met in my previous district – purchased a starter kit for me of Rodan and Fields products.  While I still haven’t been able to make my mark in sales, her support got me to try some fabulous products that make my skin feel great.  Some days, I was feeling so down that the highlight of my day was washing my face.  Having a nighttime routine and feeling rejuvenated before going to bed would often set a positive tone for the next day.
4. My animals kept me feeling loved and sane.  My cats seemed to enjoy the added attention and presence.  Frequently, they would nestle next to me and often when I would wake in the middle of the night, they would provide me great comfort.  I also kept the bird feeder stocked on the balcony outside and I have made several fine feathered friends that even come up to me when I step outside the front door.  And, I can’t forget the two dogs that have made me a dog lover – almost equal to cats – Paisley and Jackson.
5. Netflix.  Yes … When in doubt, I found myself lost in series that I “binged” to escape.  From Stranger Things … to Mindhunter … to Call the Midwife and almost every British show that is included in the line up.
6. I never gave up … even when it would have been easier to.  I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  I tried to keep a routine; that helped keep me sane.  But, I never, ever gave up.
7. I prayed – a lot.  Thomas and Andres have been on a spiritual journey that has led them to a Pentecostal church.  I attended with them several times; however, I always felt most at home at Mass … in a local Catholic church.  The tradition, the smells, the familiarity … all wrapped me in a big, comfortable blanket; each time I left the doors with new found hope and strength.

Of all the calendar years I have welcomed and said goodbye to – 2017 is one that I am definitely going to enjoy having in my rearview mirror.  Happy New Year’s, Everyone.  And, thank you!!!